Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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