On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
