I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
