I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
