i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
