I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
She made me pour olive oil on her.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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