So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
