the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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