Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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