I cannot find my penis.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
