i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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