A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
