are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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