the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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