I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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