I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
