You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
