I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
