Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
