clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
