strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
