He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
This is the prime rib incident all over again
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Randomize
