I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
