I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
