By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
