If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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