wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
