i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Randomize
