At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
