T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
