can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Randomize
