Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
No more Irish car bombs ever.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
