Dual....:-)
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
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Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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