I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
