i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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