Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
