And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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