Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
