his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
