My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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