I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
