if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
