Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
