Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
