Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
