he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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