i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
