Kiss
Puke
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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