pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
