dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
