Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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