i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
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