Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
