Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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