Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
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It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
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Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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